magickat

Cobwebs

I've become the worst at keeping up here. I remember when I used to post at least three or four times a week. Now I'm lucky to get in one or two posts a month. Between the lack of time and motivation.... well, at any rate, I am continuing the effort to write things down. I know it helps.

On the work front: bliss. I am so busy and so grateful. I am juggling three Stand-In gigs and have a few principal parts on projects here and there. Auditions have been steady - I am looking forward to one this coming Thursday for a hosting position on a cable show. The short film wrapped two weeks ago and is in various stages of post-production. After Hours continues to be successful and fun. This year has been stellar in terms of career and progress of career and just a basic enjoyment of life choices.

Wee-Man remains, however, very ill. Nights are getting worse. He cries a lot in his sleep (if he manages to sleep at all) and when he can't sleep he clings to me and cries. It's heartwrenching. I am at a loss for what to do. When he is feeling good he feels terrific, however when he is feeling bad... it is frighteningly bad. It breaks me to hear his cries and see him in pain. But when he is feeling well or playful - you'd never know he is sick. So how do you know when to make the decision? Right now... the idea is that when the bad outweighs the good... then it is time. For now, we wait. More good than bad right now. He is on borrowed time at this point. Every day is a gift and I'm not going to tear through the presents quickly. I'm all about taking time to admire the packaging and meditate over the awesomeness that each gift gives just by being there.

We wait.

I am trying to remain hopeful that he can live a bit longer. I've resigned myself to the fact that he is not going to beat the cancer. Now I am just hopeful that there will be a clear indication that the time is right to make the choice for Wee-Man. It hurts but I accept it and that is the best thing I can do for my dog. My stages of grief have progressed differently than Rabbit. He is in the depression phase right now, I think. Lots of tears. A sense of defeat. I feel a wall between us. There is a lot of things our little dog represents and we both know it. Wee-Man is one of our last common bonds. Everything changes when Wee-Man goes. 

And we both know that, too.

Saturday Night Live

After wanting to go see it for myself, being a [truly] life-long fan of the show, last Saturday night I finally got to see Saturday Night Live in person.  

Amazing!!

The tickets were for the dress rehearsal and not the live show but who cares? It was so completely awesome to just finally be there and to see how to damn thing works with my own eyes. What a treat to have been there for this particular episode, as well... it was the season premiere and u2 was the musical guest with Megan Fox as the host. Super, super kick ass.

As someone who works within the film and television industry, I had a pretty good idea what to expect off-camera but I was still completely blown away by the hard work of the crew. The amount of shifting and moving and building and breaking down of sets in between the scenes on-air is just completely flabbergasting. The way everyone works together to put on the live show is remarkable. It was just as difficult and intricate as I expected but I have an even greater respect for what they do now because when you see them go at it with your own eyes... it's like damn.... every week for over 30 years... there just isn't anything to say to compliment their hard work enough.

As someone who is a fan of the show, I was just squealing with glee the entire time. Hooray for the chance to see with my own eyes one of my most favorite shows ever - and as ticket holders for the dress rehearsal, we had the opportunity to see skits that didn't make it into the final show. SNL is a 90 minute show, we saw about  two hours worth of material in the rehearsal. Our seats were terrific - we could see everything from where we were and were close enough to wave at Bill Hader that he could see us and wave back. Awesome!! Kristin Wiig and Fred Armisen performed a cover of a Blondie song to warm up the audience and Jason Sedakis came out and talked to us as well, telling jokes and heckling the band as expected. Megan Fox was super hot and u2 played some extra songs after the rehearsal - yeah... just gift after gift after gift.

All the while, Lorne Michaels was holding court, walking the floor during the rehearsal and overseeing his minions... just like I imagined he does all these years. Unreal!!!

It was super-amazing and I am so happy I finally got the chance to see it with my own eyes. A nice treat  that I will always, ALWAYS, remember!

Tears of a Clown

Sure is dusty round here...

In an effort to not make this a blog about a girl who has a dog with cancer, I haven't really been writing much lately. And truly the motivation just isn't there anymore. As happy as I can play on the outside, inside I am very sad most times. The death sentance - or time stamp - I've been given in regard to Wee-Man has really done a number on my psyche. I have days where I am feeling positive and optimistic and then I have days where I am feeling devastated and hopeless.

But this isn't about me. It's about him. And he remains the most wonderful creature he has always been. He remains (mostly) playful. He remains (mostly) joyful. And he remains (always) loving and connected to me. I am his puppy-mama. And we are forever bonded. I know on the days he is feeling great that we can get a few extra toy-tugging rounds in. And I know on the days that he isn't so great that I have to carry him up or down stairs so that we can be together. And he has days where he is feeling positive and optimistic and then he has days where he is feeling devastated and hopeless.

We're sticking it out as long as we can.

I love him so.

I've been making a very strong effort to do things outside of being caretaker and worrier [and warrior]. I've made an effort to try and do things I enjoy, such as see theater and spend time with good friends. I went to my favorite restaurant and dined on my favorite things. I got a tattoo I've been wanting for a while. I've tried not to be so hard on myself for not being home and for doing things that take me out of thoughts of the pups... it's a hard balance to create and keep. I've been feeling guilty since the late 70's for things that are completely out of my control so trying not to feel guilty about doing this is pretty impossible. But I've gotten better about pressure I put on myself for things and I've been less demanding of myself.

That's a step.

On the work front, I have been very fortunate lately. I have been working steadily on a cable t.v. program that is kindly keeping me employed through the fall and into winter. The indy short just wrapped production last week and we celebrate with a wrap party and a screening of the trailer next week. The cable talk show is also going well - we filmed a portion of the Halloween episode today and it was a really fun and awesome time. The All My Children u5 episodes are airing this week on ABC and my second print agent has been sending me out on Go-See's rather steadily. In regard to work, life is amazing. If this blog were still primarily about that we would all be having a fucking ball right now!

But it is not anymore... and I thank everyone who has been faithfully checking in with me here (and personally) to let me know that that is okay. The cards, letters, emails, squeaky toys and homemade dog cookies are so appreciated I can't even begin to explain. I feel the hope of everyone in my life - personal or online - that is sending only the best thoughts for my little guy and I am very moved and so appreciative of it.

There are good days and bad days for us all. On the bad days, I direct all the love in my heart towards Wee-Man and I carry all the warm feelings of my wonderful and supportive friends along with me, to give me strength to carry him through this.

Stages of Grief

Denial - I know they said two months max for Wee-Man but I really feel like he is going to be just fine. I'm going to put him on a special diet and give him this herb and that medication and try that potion and say this chant and keep this lucky coin in my pocket and then he's going to be just fine because even though this is an inoperable cancer, MY DOG can beat it because he's my dog and I said so.

Anger - Why? Why Wee-Man? Why my little guy? What the fuck? Haven't I gone through enough in my fucking life? Jesus, hasn't he??? Can't we catch a god-damned fucking break at all? Ever? Just one fucking time? Seriously? It can't just be fucking arthritis? It's gotta be all this other painful fucking fucked up bullshit? You have to make this dog suffer and make me watch it happen? I don't get it. And you know what???? I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of losing the only things that matter in my life. I am SO FUCKING TIRED OF HAVING A HEART FULL OF LOVE AND HAVING EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE THAT LOVE BE TAKEN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bargaining - Okay. So If I could just get another few months with my little guy that would be amazing. Just one more crisp fall, please? Just one more holiday. Just one more winter. I promise to work real hard and save as much money as I can so that I can take a few weeks off this winter to enjoy those cozy, snowy days on the couch wrapped up in a blanket with my little guy. Please? Can you just let me have that? Just one more crazy snowstorm that he can run in with his brother. Just one more first day of spring for him to discover the beginnings of grass again? If I promise to be the best person I can be to the world will the Earth give me just one more of those first days of springs that we love so much at the 663? Please? That's not asking a lot. Just a few extra months? Please?

Depression - I am tired of thinking. I don't care that anyone called. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to even respond to my own voice thinking in my head. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. Let those dishes pile up, who cares? Let the paperwork pile up, who cares? Let my entire life fall apart, who cares? I don't care anymore about anything. I don't care what anyone has to say. I don't want to hear it. What does it matter? What does any of this even fucking matter?

Acceptance - Okay. So this is what it is. Okay. Okay. I'll take it. Whatever I've already been given I am happy to have had it. Whatever is supposed to happen is supposed to happen. I take it. I take it and I will do whatever I can with it, the best I can. Celebrate the now. Appreciate what I've got. I came from nothing so anything that has happened since is a gift. How can I begrudge the tremendous things I've been given when I never expected anything in the first place? I can't. I have gone through the process. I accept.

It doesn't mean I won't try to make the outcome better than expected... but I accept.

And every day is a gift. And every moment is love.

Broadway Cares

I haven't been keeping up well around here lately... my posts have become scarce and inconsistent.  I feel unmotivated to write.

But right now I am sitting at my desk with a most adorable, albiet quite ill, little pup resting on my lap, his chin on my wrist. It's such a tender moment that I don't have the heart or desire to move him... and so I will write todays entry together with my little guy, Wee-Man. He and I - the matched set we have always been since the moment we met.

I've felt guilty doing anything out of the house since his diagnosis. I've felt like every spare moment should be spent at home when possible so that my dogs (the sick one and the well one) are feeling loved and that I am not missing out on their lives in any way. For crying out loud, I've even felt guilty going to work. And I've been commuting 3 hours total a day on top of 15 hour workdays and running myself ragged, not sleeping right, not sleeping soundly or completely. I've become rather obsessed with the care of my little guy that I haven't really been living lately... or living in my right mind.

This past Sunday, I decided it was time to get out of the house and Do Something that didn't involve dogs or cancer or research on dogs with cancer. So I went with a girlfriend of mine to see 9 to 5 on Broadway. We are both tremendous fans of the movie and the show is closing in a few days so it was Sunday or never.

I felt so guilty going out and doing something enjoyable. But once I was out and with my friend and talking about and thinking about something other than the cancer, it seemed like maybe it was he right thing to do. We had some laughs and bought beers and 9 to 5 logo t-shirts and had silly conversations with people in neighboring seats. The show was really fun and such a great interpretation of the film and it took me out of my own head for a while. It was a good way to escape from reality. It was inspiring to hear the voices of the cast and to see the passion of the dancers - it rejuvinated some theatrical passions in me that have been dying as of late. Broadway just does something to me... seeing this show was very good for my itty bitty soul. I am glad I went.

I am glad I went and I am glad my little guy was okay when I got back. I have to learn to let go of the smothering I may be doing these days. I have to stop waking from sleep to put my hand on his chest to check for signs of life. I have to accept the reality of the situation and open myself to what tremendous lessons and gifts this pups life and impending death is doing for my soul. I am learning so much about myself through him and I have to take this situation as a life lesson and do the most positive things that I can with that.

I am trying to let go while still holding on. Little pup in my lap, I am trying so hard. To keep you and to let you go. To be with you and to learn how to be okay without you. I am trying to find balance in my crazy, upside down life that doesn't make sense to me anymore. I am trying.

I am trying.

Broken

Wee-Man is really sick. I haven't had much inspiration to keep me writing here lately - work is going amazingly well and there are a lot of great things happening but talking about it here seems trivial right now.

My heart breaks for my dog. He is being so great about everything. We are really putting him through the paces and he is being such a great sport about it all. But the fact is, as hard as anyone can try, this dog is not going to get better. I've finally admitted that to myself. He isn't going to make it and I am having a hard time coping with that. My dogs are very important to me and Wee-Man is the closest relationship I have in my life. I don't want it to come to an end, I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want him to die.

All three of those things are inevitable. And it gives me pain in my heart so much... I didn't even know it was possible to hurt so badly.

 

Funny Thing Is I am Not Asian In Any Capacity

Holy shit - it's already the middle of August. I don't even know where time is going lately. Since Wee-Man's diagnosis I've been in warrior mode and outside of work, which has been insanely crazy busy lately, I don't do much besides think about how to fix him. As a matter of fact, it's pretty much what I think about 100% of the time.

Wee-Man is doing better in ways. Definitely gained some weight. He's up about 2lbs which is amazing. Unfortunately his limping, even with medications, is not improving and it is heartbreaking to watch him limping around. The bones in his legs will continue to grow in reaction to the cancer and the limping just isn't stopping. The first acupuncture treatment was great, the second one didn't seem to take very much. I wasn't there for the second treatment - I was stuck on set - and apparantly he had a hard time relaxing. I need to be there for those treatments.

But his appitite is up and I am doing everything I can to help him and so it's just a matter of staying positive for my little guy so I am working hard to do that, as well.

Work has been wonderfully present as of late. I have been working a lot of hours and getting some great opportunities and am very thankful. This week is just as fruitful. I'm working a Stand-In job tomorrow but have two Go-See's to hit during my lunch (both ads are seeking Amerasian or ethnically ambiguous women so that trend seems to be continuing) and then I have two days of u5 work on a soap which I am very excited for. Also, I talked to SAG and it turns out that I should still get residuals for the L&O: Criminal Intent episode even though the scene was cut more than confetti so hopefully I will start seeing some residgies on that soon - they played the shit out of that episode this week on USA and are airing it on NBC tonight. 

That's pretty much whats on tap for this week. I am still very obsessed with monkeys and am kind of missing Monkey Mondays so I might bring that back to the blog. Not sure yet - I'll have to see how time works out for that. 

Live Studio Audience

August is much busier than I had anticipated. I expected it to be much like July, and had intended on taking more time off to be home with Wee-Man, but work beckons and when it comes I have to take it - especially with the regimine of Wee-Man's care.

I have a permanant Stand-In job on a show taping through December. I worked the pilot and apparantly the pilot got picked up for 8 episodes. In addition to that I have a second Stand-In job as a back-up utility plus a core job on a sitcom as a paralegal. Both are also through December. All three are AFTRA (grrr! i will definitely not be making my SAG insurance this year) but it's all good steady work. And the core job on the sitcom is super fun. We work in front of a live studio audience and it feels like a hybrid of theater and television. The crew is really great, the principals are very friendly and I feel the potential is there to make something develop from the core. I plan on working a little magic and doing what I can elevate it over the next 11 episodes. We'll see what happens.

But beyond that, the best news of all that I got last week was that I booked two days of under-5 work, playing a dancer, on a soap opera. u5 (for those who read here but aren't in the business) means, quite simply, a character who has 5 lines or less in an episode. It's basically a Day Player role for soaps. I am VERY excited about it and I shoot next week.

Good times, happy feet.

If I Only Had A Heart

I started a new Stand-In job this week that should be on and off through December. I really like the crew so that works out. Also, a pilot I worked as a Stand-In on in the Spring got picked up and that is filming also through December. Between both jobs I should be quite busy for the remainder of 2009's filming season with crew work. Unfortunately, both are AFTRA which sucks because of my SAG health insurance. I am usually able to make Plan I but now I am concerned that I won't even have enough days for Plan II.

Also unfortunately, that will keep me from advancing on my own aspirations. There would be practically no time for auditions or other work except for the weekends and with Wee-Man as sick as he is lately I don't want to take  weekends away from him.

But I would be a true asshole to complain about an over-abundance of work during a recession so I am just going to be grateful that I have the opportunity to work so much and everything else will just have to be figured out as I go along. AFTRA insurance isn't as good as SAG insurance but maybe between both (if I qualify for SAG's Plan II) it will be basically the same as having Plan I with SAG.

Plus the cost of his care is very expensive so I need to make as much money as I can. He is now on two different medications for pain, plus his joint pain medication, several types of herbal remedies and the Budwig Diet. This week he is also going for his first in a series of acupuncture treatments which I imagine will cost several days of pay. Obviously, I am being given an abundance of work at the right time. I can't bemoan it.

In regard to Wee-Man's treatment, I have been given a lot of great suggestions from people for other methods to try. Everyone in my life has really been pitching in to help him fight the fight  It's a true testament to the wonderful little guy that he is and the caliber of people that I am fortunate enough to know. I am so appreciative of all the support for him.

Besides the traditional route of medicine and (what used to be alternative but is becoming more the norm) herbal treatments, I have been going a little bit father off the path and looked through the books I have of spells and magick but the only consistent recipes I am finding include onions and that is a HUGE no-no for dogs. When I checked on-line I got the same result. So I am going to an apothecary to talk with someone who has higher knowledge and better resources than I have to help me on that front.

Wee-Man is being the best patient. It occurred to me yesterday that all the years of playing "Let's Go to the Vet" with my dogs has really helped here. I have a stethoscope, you see, and every once in a while when Boud is just looking so snoozy on the bed - for fun I would take it out and listen to his heartbeat. Something about hearing it in that way just makes me happy. Boud is always super about it. He is awesome in that way in that you can use him as a pillow, fold his ears back into buns or playfully tug on his extra skin at the neck and he will just lay there and take it.

When I take the stethoscope out to check Boud, Wee-Man always comes and sits in front of me as if he is waiting his turn to be checked. Everything one gets the other feels he must also get. So I check Boud's heart and tell him how strong it is and I lift his his floppy dog ears to see if I can see clear through to the other side and say "nope - you still got a brain in there old man". I lift his jowls and remark how white his teeth are. I verify that his feet do indeed smell like corn chips. And Wee-Man waits his turn quietly.

When it is his turn he always wants me to check his ticker first. Where Boud's is strong and steady like a bass drum, Wee-Man's is like taking 15 pots and pans and throwing them down a staircase. Very staccato. He sits very still while I listen. He asks me to do all the things that I did to Boud and Boud usually lifts his head up to watch and make sure that Wee-Man's physical is going okay. 

It's a silly ritual that we do every once in a while. Probably every couple of months, when Boud is laying in a sun patch or snoozing at the foot of the bed just so, the game begins. And now it seems that when Wee-Man is going in for his visits and getting all these xrays and ultrasounds and probes he just sits quietly and trusts. What a good little boy. I am so in love with my dogs. Such good boys, both.

Tonight I have an acting class with someone that I was supposed to take classes with last month but couldn't because of everything that's been going on. The class runs through September - I think it will be good for me to have something of pleasure to do. My heart isn't in it right now but maybe when I am in the class it will be a good escape for me. When I had that day of filming for the short on Sunday that definitely did help take my mind off things so going forward with the classes in spite of what is going on with Wee-Man is probably the right thing for my sanity. The rest of the week is busy with work and then from there... who knows.   

Fighting the Fight

I would like to thank everyone for reaching out in regard to my last entry. I appreciate your stories and advice and words of love for Wee-Man. We are going to fight his cancer and kick it square in the balls. We are going to do everything we can to stop it from winning.

Today we started The Budwig Diet (cottage cheese and flax seed oil) as well as drops of dandelion root. I am hopeful that we see some results. If nothing else, it will keep him eating which is a good thing. He has lost an extreme amount of weight and he gobbled up the Budwig recipe with his regular food today full of excitement which is very happy-making. Keeping the weight on will at least give him the strength to battle the tumors.

I read about an herbal drop called Bach Rescue Remedy and picked up some of that today as well. It is discussed as more for soothing and calming than for healing but I feel that soothing and calming is healing so we will see how that goes.

To my regular readers, this blog won't turn into my dogs "cancer blog" I promise... but as much as my blog has always been about my experiences and challenges and brief moments of success while "living the dream" it has also always incorporated stories about my boys, Boud and Wee-Man. Just because Wee-Man has cancer does not mean that I will stop talking about him. And just because Boud doesn't - that doesn't mean that he won't get a word in edgewise. They both will remain an integral part of this blog. But the cancer is now a part of the equation and a part of our lives and so that will come up from time to time. And I am looking forward to the entry where I get to proclaim that everything we have tried has worked and that he can look forward to a long an happy life and even be an astronaut if he wants to. 

Anyone who knows me knows that my heart beats for my dogs. More than anything in this world I exist for them. They are the babies I will never be able to bear, the friends that understand me like no other and the absolute joys of my life. I am fighting the fight for my little guy, and I appreciate my longtime readers understanding when this blog may lean towards his battle more often than not in the coming days, months and [if I could be so lucky] years...  

Broken Hearted

Wee-Man has cancer.

My funny and charming dog with a lust for life who never tires of playing "try and take it" and is 1/3 of what makes up my world has cancer.

In an instant everything has changed.

My heart is broken. This dog is a child to me, my child. He looks to me and trusts me like a baby to it's mother. I have taken care of him ever since he was found in a cardboard box in a parking lot when he was 7 frail pounds of peach fuzz and broken tail. He has been by my side every moment that I have been home for the last 6 years. He is my co-worker and my partner in crime, a butterfly seeker with me in the garden and a sidekick in our loving teasing of Boud. He is my napping partner, falling asleep with comfort next to my chest and the rhythm of my heartbeat... he is my fellow cheese fanatic, a palate so refined he knows which slices are most deserving of his finest and most effective begging.

He is my life, this little magical creature who looks at me with such knowing and loyalty and love.

The prognosis is not good. A few weeks to a few months. My heart weeps. I am so afraid of him dying. I am afraid we will nap together and he will not wake up. I am terrified to be out of town for work to return home and find him still.

I am scared to bear witness to the end of his amazing existance on a steely cold table in a white walled room with posters of cute dogs on the walls and a nurse waiting for me to stop crying so she can go home. How unfair is it that after giving this unwanted puppy a home full of love and joy and play and the entirety of my heart, how unfair is it that now I might have to decide when he has had enough and should fall asleep one last time??? I know that if that is the way it happens that I must be there to hold him and whisper his name in his ear to him the way he loves me to do when he falls asleep at night, to give him comfort and let him transition without fear. But my stomach lurches at the thought of that moment because I know that nothing will ever be the same, ever again. My world will be Upside Down. I cannot explain the connection I have with my dog. It is other-worldly.

But it is a gift. And I have to make sure that whatever time I have left with my little monkey-man, that it is spent enjoying each moment, and not thinking about the moment in which he is dying... but celebrating every moment that he is living. I have to somehow figure out the balance between preparing myself for the moment that his life will end without dwelling on it and missing out on the remaining joy of his beautiful life.

I am going to try very hard. I am going to allow myself to grieve without being too hard on myself for it but I am going to do my best to focus on the positive - when chance happened, Wee-Man became a part of my life. Of all the chances and possibilities that could've happened... I got to spend 6 incredible years with this amazing little dog.

How lucky am I?

Hold For Five

I went on a Go-See last week for a print job and am thrilled to say that I am booked! The session is for multiple days this week and the timing is juuuuust right. I never expected I would get this job. I had gone to the Go-See without wearing the wardrobe they had instructed and I didn't think I had done very well with the photographer - the Go-See's are so incredibly fast that before you have time to think someone is shoving a number board in your hand, the camera is popping away and you're done. NEXT!

I wasn't confidant that I had given the poses and expressions they were looking for so I left and didn't give it another thought. This booking is truly a major surprise. And a welcome one! 

Today brings a quick night shoot and tomorrow a return to the horror film for a day of reshoots. Then the print job for the remainder of the week and a reshoot of a scene on the short. Most excellent... now instead of looking for jobs I can use my spare time this week for auditions and doing mailings.

Next week begins a month long master class that I was supposed to take in July before all the crazy in my life happened. That class goes all month and then into September. I am a little nervous about meeting the teacher because he is a Very Important Person in New York, but I am going to do my best to relax and have confidance and enjoy the experience. I want to get as much as I can out of this class - not getting jumbled up in my own head is something I am always finding myself doing as much as I try not to do it.

As always, a work in progress. I continue forward.

Early Retirement

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, or who know me personally, you know that one of my dogs is a performer of sorts. Wee-Man, my Boston Terrier, has worked on sets occasionally for a few years. He has done shows for Animal Planet Japan, had featured bits in films such as The Underdog and done a few background jobs on shows like Law & Order and Lipstick Jungle.

Wee-Man truly enjoys being on set. He has, when working, a captive group of people to take turns throwing his toy so that he can chase it. And since he is such a social dog, being on sets is fun for him because there are lots of people to pet him and snuggle up with. Plus he is very good with direction and has a most adorable gait when he walks which directors love. My other dog, Boudy, is a lazy hound dog who loves nothing more than sleeping in sun patches and begging for crumblies. Boudy doesn't work on set. Wee-Man rather enjoys it. Mama Rose don't live at the 663. I know what's up.

In the last year, Wee-Man hasn't been his old self. I was always more concerned with Boudy when it came to health issues because he is much older and larger and so his life expectancy is not that long. Bouds physical features so obviously showed age: his black coat is more salt than pepper now, his long dark lashes are now wispy feathers of white. Wee-Man and I would playfully toy with the dog we all call "Grampa" and count the white hairs on his crown aloud to him. 

It never occured to me that Wee-Man would be the one to worry about first. But since last summer, he has lost almost 6 pounds (quite a lot for a small dog) and all of his muscle tone, most especially on his back left leg. He has begun limping and has slowed down remarkably. There have been many doctors visits of late. Lots of tests and blood draws. Some anal probing (my poor little guy!). So far, what his doctor has determined is that he is suffering from severe arthritis in all of his legs, most especially his back left leg, has deterioration in his knee joints and has a raised white blood cell count which is where the attention will now be focused.

Yes - we are fearing the C word here.

My little guy is being very brave through all of this testing and I love him so much more every day because of what a wonderful creature he is proving to be through all of it.

Because of all of this, Wee-Man is going into retirement from show business. As much as he loves being around all of the people and playing with all his toys with everyone at work, it just isn't a good place for him to be. 

Wee-Man has said that he would like to come back to showbiz like Jay-Z did to rap music, bigger and better than before. I told him I am 150% in support of this. I told him that if he gets better then he can do and be anything he wants.

"Even an astronaut?" he asked.

"Even an astronaut," I said. "You just be a brave boy while we figure this all out and do what we can to make you better and you can do anything you want to do. Chase balls, be in movies, fly spaceships... anything you want," I kissed him on top of his silly little puppy head.

He looked up at me with his big bulgy Boston Terrier eyes and gazed at me for a bit then licked my nostrils as he is wont to do and said "I'll be okay, mama. Don't worry."

"I know," I lied. "I'm not worried one bit."

                                                       

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fingers crossed, please, anyone who is reading this. my dogs are my everything.

Precisely Why

The boat shoot the other day was really fun. There's no dialogue and the final product will only be about 15 seconds long but it was cool anyway. I got to ride the ferry across the Hudson River and appreciate local landmarks and get paid for it. I didn't feel like an actor that day but I totally loved my job and you can't ask for much more than a fun boat ride on a sunny day as your job as far as I can tell.

I have started to form a plan with my manager and in the last few days have really focused on working with her on my game plan. Definitely one of the great things so far about having a manager is not only the guidance and the direction and the opportunity to get better auditions but ALSO the guidance and direction and helping hand keeping you away from the pointless auditions you might find yourself in when going forth solo. Yesterday she was contacted by someone who was interested in having me audition for a particular project and was able to break it all down with me and show me the value in why I shouldn't take the audition, telling me she wouldn't mind making the commision off it should I book it but that the right thing to do would to advise me to not get involved in the project. And for that I am thankful. Many times I have found myself in the middle of an audition saying to myself "why in the fuck am I here???".

I am going up to New England for a few days this weekend and then plunging right back into work, classes and the grind as soon as I get home. Summer vacation [for me] is winding down. I am glad I had this time the last few weeks to deal with some things and take a hiatus from life in general but it felt good to slowly come back into the business this week and I feel my health getting better, my mind clearing out all the mess and my motivation coming back.

Just need to enjoy a couple more days of nothing first...

I'm On A Boat

After spending a week in bed and having to cancel on several shows and bookings, I am finally well enough to get back to work today. I am so glad. I was definitely going a little stir crazy.

Today I am shooting a commercial and it should be a lot of fun because the shoot is taking place on the water in a boat. It's good to get back into things again in such a unique way and I look forward to going to set this afternoon.

It looks like the horror movie I was a Stand-In on is going into it's third set of reshoots which totally rocks because I really miss the crew from that set. Every once in a while I will run into someone on a different set and when that happens all we do is talk about how much fun the "shoot in the woods" was. Ah! Such good times we had! I can't wait to reunite with everyone and see what all of them have been up to. It's also nice to have some steady work lined up as well.

Between now and then I have a few days on various sets, a rehearsal for the final shoot dates on the short film and a few days of R&R in Maine. So it seems that July will wrap itself up much like it began: not too loud, not too quiet.  I expect August to be much the same which is fine because the fall is always my busiest time of year.

I rather like having a regular schedule for a while.

Where In The Heck I've Been

It's been a rough couple of months for me. I was in a car accident, I was bed-ridden with a bladder infection, PIC and I have stopped talking [again], I got into a terrible argument with a PA on a set which is something I have never done and I've just been followed by my own personal rain cloud of bad luck and misfortune lately. 

So I took a break from everything. I took a break from work. I took a break from writing. I took a break from socializing. I gave in to the gloom and the doom and allowed myself to be grumpy or angry or whatever scowly, pissy feeling I felt I needed to be.   

And my car is going to be okay and the bladder infection is almost healed and whatever happens with PIC is out of my hands and I'll probably never see that jerk PA again and the rain cloud is starting to burn off and I'm thinking that the sunshine is going to start coming back on a regular basis and I just had an ice pop so I really can't complain because that's basically like eating a rainbow, don't you think?

I had an amazing run of wonderful fortune that lasted about 7 months straight where one magical thing after another happened to me, it was so fabulous it was almost ridiculous and so I was due *long overdue* for my serving of crap pie so I don't have the right to complain about the last 6-8 weeks. And I know that a lot of the anger and lashing out is my own weakness in how I deal with this time of year. Father's Day is always very difficult for me and the anniversary of my fathers death in a few days is just very hard to deal with. It's a nasty, rotten one-two punch and when I look at this time of year every year I see a pattern that I repeat. I'm working on it. And on the bright side, at least it's something that happens all at one time of the year - I can get it over with all at once.

I'm dealing. I'm working on being a better person, I am working on being a better person every day. I was just lost for a little while and everything in my world got affected because of it as each persons own little world is wont to do. I'm on the mend.

Everything is falling back into place.

Booya!

Last nights magic show performance went very well. There are quite a few new and fun magic tricks and comedic bits PLUS we are doing two of my favorite illusions so the show is both fresh and fun for me. I am really pleased with it overall and am more than excited to have another go at it tonight.

Before I get to the show tonight, however, I am going over for a day of taping for the cable talk show so it will be a very busy day for sure. And a LOT of driving. I am not looking forward to that in the rain we are expecting to get but it's worth it for the fun this day is sure to bring. 

If you are in the Hudson Valley Region tonight and have no current plans, check out the magic and illusion show we are doing at The Center for Performing Arts in Rhinebeck.

There are only a handful of tickets left so call 845-876-3080 or go to The Center's website for tickets.   

Not So Much

Had another day of filming on the short this week. I am not at all happy with my performance. I was really nervous and it definitely showed. There are a few lines that everytime they came out... ooh they sounded like I was acting. Just awful. I was having a lot of trouble staying out of my own head. Not good. 

Hopefully, with edits, what I gave won't seem so terribly shitty. I mean look at Mira Sorvino. She won an Oscar thanks to edits. While she is a really great actress, legend has it that her work on the set of Woody Allen's Mighty Aphrodite was so awful that it was only saved by the masters in the editing room. Saved so well that she ended up winning an Oscar for it. So there is hope for me yet, film gods. However there is one line that I delivered that is completely unfixable. We filmed two days ago and I've had bad dreams over it both nights since. Yikes yikes yikes.

On a brighter note, I still have another scene to shoot for them and it is my most favorite of anything in the script that my character has to do so I am definitely looking forward to that and to [hopefully] reedeming myself in some capacity. Fingers crossed I don't blow it.

This weekend is busy: a couple of magic shows and also a taping of the cable talk show. I am hoping to have Sunday off for a relatives birthday party and then it's back to a set on Monday. Not sure what the rest of June will bring. I can't believe there is only a week left to it. These last few weeks have been so full that time has just flown by so I don't so much mind the quiet that is about to come. It might give me a chance to take a class somewhere or find another small project to get involved with. 

We shall see.  

Monkey Monday #9

In honor of my trip to finally meet a monkey face to face, I have been featuring stories every Monday of people who have enjoyed this experience already and been gracious enough to share. The culmination of this project is with today's installment of Monkey Monday. Today, my words and stories will be in bold italics. Enjoy!

 

"Tiger Friends"

 

I have wanted to hold a monkey in my arms for as long as I can remember. In the last couple of years this has been even more true. So much to say that I may have been bordering on primate obsessed.

 

Through research, I found a place called Tiger Friends that gives wild animal lovers a one of a kind, hands on experience. I booked this weekends trip several months ago to coincide with my birthday time of year in order to make the moment when I would finally hold a primate even more monumental.

 

Tiger Friends is nothing short of amazing. It is a truly magical place where you are able to see wild and exotic animals up close: to play with them, to feel their paw pads and touch their leathery skin. Everything from ligers to elephants, bengal tigers to monkeys.

 

We had the tender opportunity to cuddle up to baby leopards, to go nose to nose with a month old tiger, to feed carrots to an elephant named Bubbles, to watch a lion swim doggy paddle in a pool with a couple of tigers and a monkey. Yes, you read that right.

 

Mindblowing.

 

I was able to hold several most awesome types of primates. To feel their monkey fingers wrapped around my hands, their curled up primate feet on my lap, their hairy heads nuzzled up in my neck with their silly little diapers on their monkey butts and their toothy, apey grins forever on their remarkable faces. The joy, the bliss. This after holding onto an elephants tusk while it's trunk tickled my head. This after communicating with a 3 month old bengal in it's native language of buzzy-purring. This after petting a binturong who crawled along our laps and scooted all about.

 

I truly will never be the same after cradling an orangutan on my lap. I have always always always wanted to hold one and now I have. And it was of the awesome. And I want to do it again. Everything I do now is solely to earn my way back down there for another chance to hug it out with a primate. It was a beautiful, magical, breathtaking, heart soaring experience. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever done.

 

I am so grateful for this life. Thank you, life, for giving this moment to me.

 

                                                                           

 

 

 

 

 

Summer In Pine Valley

I have been very busy with work the last couple of weeks. So grateful. Between several Stand-In jobs and some soap work I have been doing okay financially.

Creatively I have also been very satisfied. I fulfilled a dream this week and worked on The Tony Awards. It was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life.

Several months ago when I was making the final plans for my trip to Myrtle Beach, I arranged that - even though the trip was in honor of my birthday - that I would travel the week after The Tonys because I wanted to keep my schedule free in the hopes that I would work the awards event. I didn't know who was booking it and I didn't know anyone who did but I made sure to keep myself available just in case a miracle happened.

By some bit of magic, about two weeks ago I got a call from someone who books Stand-In's for the show and said that I was referred to her by someone that I have done work for on other events (The Rosie Live Show, The Apprentice, etc) and would I be available to work The Tony Awards. Would I? Yes, yes indeed I would.

Coming on the heels of both the Day Player on L&O:CI and my birthday, it really has been an amazing run as of late. It has been one good thing after another and I am very glad that I am having such a happy run of things lately. This truly was the cherry and sprinkles on top of a most awesome specialty sundae of good fortune.

For three days I worked as a Stand-In for a multitude of special guests and performers for the show. I got to do all of my favorite things (read telepromter, improvise) and be a part of my favorite awards show. Being there also gave me the chance to see the shows rehearse their numbers and to see up close how the whole event gets put together. Such a treat!

Another fun thing about the job: the Stand-In's not only work onstage but also in the audience as well. We had to sit in for the nominees and if the person we were sitting in for won their catagory {for rehearsal purposes only} we had to go to the stage and accept the award and give thank you speeches. It was really fun to live out the fantasy of accepting awards at Radio City during the dress rehearsal with a live audience. I was able to accept several awards and thank the people in my life and give silly speeches and tell jokes. Of all the times I won, I only gave two 'real' speeches. I will share one here, when I accepted for Best Musical, for rehearsal purposes only.

"When I was a little girl, my dance school came here to Radio City to meet the Rockettes. When we went to the 6th floor, the first thing we did before anything was get put against the ruler next to the doorway like a real Rockette audition was taking place. I was told then that I was most likely never going to be tall enough to be a Rockette and my dreams of being onstage at Radio City were shattered. If I knew then that I would someday be winning a For Rehearsal Purposes Only Tony Award many years later right here on the Radio City stage, I probably wouldn't have been so disappointed [the audience laughed, that felt awesome]. This feels really incredible to look up and see everyone filling seats all the way to the rear mezzanine. I can only imagine how magical and wonderful it must feel to win a real Tony Award. Congrats to all of the nominees. Thank you."

I was then escorted offstage by another Stand-In to a great deal of applause. So much fun, this moment. So much fun. 

The other highlight of the event was when I got to talk to Liza Minelli. That was a jaw dropper. But I'll save that story for another time.   

I know that work ebbs and flows and that I have most definitely had my share of dry spells and crappy jobs so this lovely string of good fortune that I am experiencing is due and very much appreciated. I know that soon I will be suffering another bout of crap jobs so I am doing my very best to live in the moment, in every single moment, as much as I can. I am leaving for my vacation tomorrow and will be returning next week to a couple of meetings, a day of filming on the short, the cable talk show and a couple of magic shows. Life doesn't seem to be slowing down and that is okay. I think I am balancing everything out alright for now. I'll pull the wire when I need to get off the bus for a while.

For now... for now I'm enjoying the ride.